Just watching Bridget Jones Diary. Bridget and her friends make a big deal that Mark Darcy loves Bridget ‘just as she is.” This just reminded me that my Jesus loves me “”just as I am.” No matter how many times I screw up, he loves me just as I am. He loves me when I yell at my kids, when I’m disrespectful to my husband, when I lie to my mom because I don’t want to disappoint her, he loves me. He loves me completely and perfectly. His love swallows me whole. His love satisfies me. He is enough for me, and I am thankful.
making a come back February 21, 2010
A secret come back.
Now with 3 kids could it be possible that I have time to update a blog. We shall see. Today was actually pretty good. Tonight not so much.
Sean let me sleep in with Korah which he usually does on Saturday morning. Sweet bliss! Woke up in time to get ready for our fav friend Stella’s b-day party. Fun time with 4 and 5 year old girls. “No boys aloud,” per Stella. It was a super fun time for the girls and I got to catch up with 3 of my girl friends. Magical.
When we got home Sean was beyond stir-crazy with Ez. He had planned on taking Ez on a daddy date, but he forgot to get Ez’s car seat out. So sean rushed he and Ez out the door and the girls and I decided on a Barbie in A Christmas Carol movie/pirate sleepover in the living room complete with palates. Adah is a sucker for a palate. It brought me back to the old days when Ezra took a nap and Adah was well-behaved enough that I could take a nap too. So while I snoozed, Adah watched Barbie and made a “snack bar” of soda cans and bologna and mustard sandwiches. No harm done. She cleaned up her mess like a champ. Sweet Korah slept for a solid 2 hours. She really is the best baby ever!
So when Sean got home with he had 30 minutes before he had to leave again to go get tattooed. To his credit he did put away some of the mountains of laundry. At this moment I still have 3 loads to put away, plus 1 in the washer and 1 in the dryer. To be honest, I don’t believe that it is possible catch up on laundry. I guess it is in theory, just not for my household.
So since Ez fell asleep on the way home from his daddy date, he is still up now, alternating reasons to get out of his bed. “I’m scared, read me a book, where’s Dr. Mater.”
I’ve had a headache for a month with relief for now more than a day or two.
So off to fold more laundry and take more Tylenol. We’ll see if I can manager to post on here more than once a year.
Smooches.
so discontent October 13, 2008
i’m constantly dealing with discontentment. example one i just bought some tom’s shoes on ebay for $10. super deal right. well i already got back on ebay to see if i could find another pair… i need them and they are such a good deal, right? when is it ever enough? not just shoes and clothes and stuff but everything. i’m obsessed with being frugal and saving on everything but i’m constantly lured to spend money just to save money. how does that make sense? triple coupons, super sales, 90% off, i’m sucker for all of it. the thing i’m currently dealing with ……… well i have been dealing with sense ezra was born…… is wanting to have more kids. i have tons and tons of reasons why. i want my kids close together so they get along. i don’t want to have any kids after thirty so people don’t ask me if their my grand kids. i want sean to be able to retire someday etc. so many goals, so so many plans. if sean was just on board. if God would just get on board and make sean get on board. i do feel like it’s God’s plan and purpose for my life to have kids and be a mom, but will it be at the expense of my marriage? we will ever be able to see eye to eye on this? i have friends that have surrendered this to the lord and then their husbands have gotten vasectomies. that is not okay with me. Sweet Jesus what are you doing?
his grace is enough September 10, 2008
today a collector called and tried and tried and tried to shame me in any way he could into borrowing money from some unknown source to pay him… immediately. i tried to let him know that there is no money to pay him and there will be no money until the house sells. he then told me that my house probably wasn’t going to sell before he was going to sue me. neat. sue me, for what my fab collection of republican memoriabilia? go for it. don’t get me wrong, we are going to pay the company he represents. we just need the funds from the sale of the house to do so. our finanical counselor guy said it doesn’t make sense or is it fair to pay this company and no one else. more over, borrowing from peter to pay paul is not the best idea. anyway in an attempt to stop the maddness i tried to ask the “bad guy” as adah called him, if he knew Jesus and that my ultimate debt has already been paid by Christ. in my heart i knew it wouldn’t go over well, but then he told me i was sinning by not paying my debt which I agreed to but I still don’t have the money. sean finally convince d me to get off the phone with the guy, but not before i told the guy i would pray that God would give him another job that was not so heinous. the call ruined my day. but then i had another collector call with some more crazy schemes and meaness to try to get me to magically create money to pay them ruined it more. then i started to understand why people actually end their lives over the stress of money. one of my mom’s students mothers killed herself yesterday. she had three beautiful boys and a great husband, but something became too much for her to bare and she decided that they would all be better off without her. on days like today i am tempted to believe that lie from the great deceiver. that all of the debt and pain i have brought to my marriage is too much, sean would be better off without me. all of my freaking out is too much for the kids, they would be better off without me. then Jesus reminds me of what He has brought me through and i am snapped back to the reality that God’s grace is sufficient for me. AND for me to say that my sin is too big for him is to spit in Christ’s face as he hangs on the cross. so i’ll just say over and over again until i believe it… that his grace is enough for me.
gossip girl August 18, 2008
Thanks to a heads up by Lindsay Few on a $29.95 for 12 months special, my family now has cable. You know the real kind where you get more that 20 channels. The day we got it I slyly turned the channel to Noggin, Adah’s favorite of favorites to see what she would do. I can’t even describe the elated look on her face. Oh yeah for those of you without cable or preschoolers, Noggin is a channel targeted towards toddlers and preschoolers marketing itself as “Preschool on TV.” I don’t want to think about the people that might take the statement seriously and actually think it could be a substitute for real human interaction. Anway it’s commercial free and has Dora so we love it! So along with the coveted Noggin we also have my favorite TLC so I can now watch Jon and Kate Plus 8 almost anytime I want (they rerun the show like a champ!) And Sean can watch MMA fighting on Versus. In other words, our life is now complete. Hehe. So I was flipping through some of the new channels and landed on CW, the channel with teeny-bopper shows like One Tree Hill. I caught glimpse of Blake Lively who is a new favsince I watched “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” on ABC Family. I just think she is a cutie pie. Anyway the show she’s on is called Gossip Girl. I didn’t really get the premise, but it has something to do with some kind of blog thing that their whole posh private school looks at that shares all the latest juiciest gossip by sending it to everyone’s blackberry. You know all the important need to knows like who’s sleeping with who and what have you. The episode I caught was about the pouty looking brunette thinking she was pregnant but not knowing who the father was… thank God it was false alwarm because I’m sure they would have chronicled her trip to the abortion clinic to cut short the precious new life. I don’t know how much more of the “it’s not really a baby” BS this girl can take. I’ve kind of gotten myself on a tangent. But the initial idea in this writing was to tell you about a Proverbs 31 devotional I read today. It was about gossip and how Chrisitians especially the women-folk like to pretend they are sharing prayer requests so they can gossip about others. The part that hit closer to home was when the writer shared about her friend Debbie who she has noticed never gossips and also never shares anything disparaging about her husband or anything that would embarass them. That part was a kick in the gut. I emailed the whole devo to the girls in my couples small group and apologized for how I do the opposite of ol’ Deb. I also shared about how I find myself making mental notes of stupid stuff Sean does duing the week so I can share it in small group. What is that crap? When will I stop seeing Sean as my adversary in some sick competition and start seeing him as my husband? We’ll be married 3 years in October, why am I just figuring this out? So I’d like to take the opportunity to ask all my (millions, I’m sure) loyal readers to hold me to this! Remind me when I’m about to share the latest of Sean’s failures at being a godly husband, that I wrote this. Remind me that this mess is not getting us anywhere and is most definitely not healing our marriage. So I leave you with one of the verses from the devo:
“Careful words make for a careful life; careless talk may ruin everything.” Proverbs 13:3 (The Message)
Oh Jesus that I would not continue to ruin everything.
yellow asian hair August 13, 2008
i had a weird day. i finally got the check from my boss for my june payment, but the bank wanted to hold the check for 5 days which wouldn’t work because i have bills that are super late and our health insurance is getting terminated. well most of all because i was getting my yellow hair extensions in today that i ordered 6 months ago (lord only knows why it took so long. ) anyway i called sean and asked about going to a check cashing place and he said he would rather i just put the money in the bank and wait. so of course i went to the check cashing place anyway. and then we got in a huge argument on the phone about me not letting sean lead. then the check cashing place wouldn’t take the check because it’s from out of state. so then i took it to the main branch that finally cashed and deposited for me. moral of this long and annoying story. let sean lead. and that God knows the silly desires of my heart like getting my hair extensions or getting a pedicure (i won one on sunday). how much more will he provide for my family’s needs if i can just trust!
anyway, this taking so long because i’ve had to stop to read two books, open two doors, and now i need to open adah’s dresser. so obviously not the best time to write.
there is hope August 11, 2008
after crying out for hope from the Father, he gave me a glimpse. one of the couples i spoke of that has been struggling called and said they are doing much better. the husband actually said he could feel sean’s prayers today. PRAISE JESUS!
whatever You’re doing………. August 11, 2008
My neighbor was just really rude to me because I pulled on his grass when I checked the mail. I did it because the kids were in the car and the idiots in my ghetto neighborhood drive really fast around that corner. I am always sure that they will get hit while I’m checking the mail because I’m always waiting for something horrible to happen.
I’m so angry right now. Why can’t I handle the day to day stress of life? Why did my white trash neighbor make me so upset? Who gives a crap if he’s mad that I pulled in his yard? I’m so tired. I want to sleep through the night once. I want my allergies to stop making me want to rip my face off. I’m so over all of this crap.
God what are you doing? Why are mine and my friend’s marriages getting crapped on? Where is the relief?
I know it’s better now that it was before but that’s not enough, it would be really cool for things to not suck for a significant period of time. Like a sabbatical from stupid crap happening.
God reign down your mercy over us. Pour out your love and grace. We need it so much. Heal us god. Break the chains and demolish the strongholds. Show us your face so that everything else pales in comparison.
Give us peace and rest in you.
We almost died today March 25, 2008
We almost died today. Because of one ridiculous 70 year old woman in an Acura. Why? Because she should have been stripped of her license long ago yet is still tooling about on our roadways threatening others with her flagrant inability to drive. Now I’m not the best driver. Ask my husband, parents or friends. I have totaled my share of vehicles. I do however know not to drive into oncoming traffic and then stop in the middle of the busiest intersection in Wilmington. I hung out the window of my car telling her to move back, she had the room. Yet she just sat there with her turning signal as if all of the people in the three lanes of traffic would magically decide to ignore their green light to stop and let her through. So the light changed again. And she was able to go, but of course not quickly enough for me to go too. And there I sat with my two kids in the middle of the intersection with cars coming at me from both directions. No one wanted to let me through. I crept through one lane at a time and then a car on the far lane, not knowing what was going on comes driving through the intersection (like he/she should with a green light) and comes about a foot away from hitting me. We both swerve. Me on the median into more oncoming traffic. We missed each other and I scream a thousand obscenities and pull as fast as I can into the parking lot of Carolina Barbeque. All of this because of one outrageous old lady. Because of her reckless disregard for others. My kids and I almost died in the middle of Oleander and College. I am so angry. I’m going to see if I can get the tape from the traffic camera and hunt this old bitty down and commandeer her license and car keys myself. Oh I know God loves her and all that, but I don’t. All this to say that my next writing will be to the editor of the paper and then to my congressman and state senator to get some kind of law passed for mandatory testing for anyone collecting Social Security. And I’m not talking about driving tests, mental competency testing. Not performed by the oh so capable DMV but by a panel of board certified psychiatrists. I’m not usually one for introducing or encouraging new bureaucracies, because there are few things that the government does well. But this will be one case where the backlog of all this will benefit all of us. While my grandma and yours is awaiting their mental exam, they will be off the streets. I volunteer to set up some kind of shuttle service for them to get to all of their doctors appointment and to go buy their powdered sugar donuts or in my grandmother’s case apple bites from Harris Teeter.
addiction March 24, 2008
I’ve found that I prefer to be addicted to something.
It’s been alcohol and cigarettes on and off over the years… sometimes I switch it to diet soda or maybe chicken nuggets and diet pills. Why is it so easy to shift my addictions but not to place them in the hands of my savior with out quickly yanking them back? At the risk of sounding like a 90s christian t-shirt, why can’t I be “addicted to Jesus.” I’m really sick of it. Pray for me friends that my hankering for a diet sun drop will point me to Christ and that He will be my sufficiency.
It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on. This isn’t the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God’s kingdom.
Galations 5:19 (The Message)
Galations 5:19 (The Message)
